GRACE, GRIT AND GRATITUDE

Today is a special day – it is the 20^th anniversary of my 23^rd birthday. Yes, today is born, earth, womb-escape and whatever else you call it, day. We all do introspection every now and then but for me, April is the official self-appraisal month. This is the month when I look at my life in the light of what I set out to do and what I have achieved. Usually, by 29^th April, I would have arrived at a place of clarity of thought and the way forward. I don’t know if Covid19 and the partial lockdown, self-imposed right now, has anything to do with the kind of introspection for this year, but it’s been dark…On my birthday in 2000, in my many reflections, I asked myself why ‘bad’ things happen to ‘good and innocent’ people?

On this day, the 20th anniversary of me asking myself (and possibly, God) that question, I still do not have the answer. That notwithstanding, I am all manner of grateful. Many times I have heard people call me a ‘dada bee’- literally, a pampered, privileged child, and I have always met such comments with a smile and the question, ‘really?’

I grew up with a mother who was a farmer and a petty trader with an absentee father. I have done menial work at home and on the farm from when I was about 8 years old, have carried things like puff puff (bofloat/togb333 in Ghanaian parlance), vegetables, fish and meat on my head hawking from house to house. I have cracked stones (yes, bare hands and hammer) for sale before with my mother. I have known hunger and deprivation, I have known abuse of varied forms, rejection and abandonment

As a girl and a woman, I have survived things that could have broken me beyond redemption – I have survived rape, incest and the psychological manipulation into a pact of silence on these vile and unsolicited pain on my body and person. The societal and self-imposed stigma when one goes through stuff like this can be emotionally heavy and tasking and although I have never been clinically diagnosed, I have suffered from depression on and off for a long time.   

On this day, I am not exactly where I would have loved to be, but also fully aware of where I could have stayed, so, I choose to acknowledge all I have achieved and to pat myself on the back. I am single-handedly providing for, guiding and nurturing my 22-year old daughter in the fear of the Lord to become a conscientious adult who is going to strive to be true to herself and all that she believes in, and my amazing son with Down syndrome who at six years old, with the right support and input, is breaking the stereotypical norms associated with who is, a person with intellectual disability.

On my birthday in 2011, I decided I needed to further my education and that I have done! June 2011 to June 2019 were used to get my first and second degrees (amidst parenting a teenager, pregnancy, childbirth and a life changing diagnosis of my son), while pursuing my career as well as finding my purpose on a journey of using my words and voice to impact my world, by advocating for the inclusion of persons with disabilities into all spheres of life.

I am on a journey of self-discovery as well because for a very long time, I identified as a daughter, sister , a career woman, then later, mother and a student. I know I am more than just these roles, I am a woman – with needs, potential, aspirations and I feel like I need to apologize to me for putting everyone else first but me.

On this day, I guess what I am saying is this; we can definitely not undo some of the things that have happened to us on this journey of life and living it, we may never forget them and on some dark days or nights, these memories will rear their heads like some evil, blood-thirsty monsters gearing up to torment and destroy us! In such moments, find the energy to pause, breath and do what works best for you.

Is it crying until you feel like there is no air in your lungs and no more tears to shed with your face covered in a mixture of tears, sweat and snort? By all means shed those tears, they have a cleansing effect and most times when you are spent from that type of crying, you can focus on the truth and what is important and how to deal with it.

Is it retreating from everything and everyone else? Shut off your phone and don’t feel obligated to attend those social events? This time of retreat is for a good cause, your mental well-being. I found writing to be very therapeutic in such times and the things I write are raw and the paper/book often ends up stained with the cocktail of tears, sweat and snort. In moments like that when I”m pouring whatever it is on paper, it always felt like talking to a caring and non-judgmental friend who is just helping me to muster the rhythm of breathing again, one calming breath at a time in unison with the movement of pen on paper. Try it!

Is it reaching out for help? There is no shame in admitting to ourselves and others that we are at the edge and need help to just crawl back to safety. This help could be someone who can stop you from doing something crazy. It could be someone who just listens to you rumble on until you are spent knowing very well that you will both look back on this day and laugh hysterically about, it could also be someone who will come in and clean, cook and just sit with you in a comfortable and understanding silence. You know your circle of support better and they are there to genuinely support you, so please reach out if it becomes overwhelming.

Emefa Gadze (a Life Coach and Founder of the Single Parents Support Network) recently wrote on her Facebook wall ‘there are people in need who do not appear in need at all’. By the way they look and carry themselves, they just don’t fit the criteria of a needy, desperate person – and I’m not only talking about the need for food, water, clothing or shelter even but the need for love, for understanding/empathy, friendship, guidance or a gentle prodding in the right direction.

I am grateful for a lot, most importantly the gift of life and this personality God endowed me with, it has helped me to speak my truth at all times and to find helpers at critical times in my life. When need be, these helpers were gentle and understanding or harsh and unrelenting in their effort to get me to snap out of whatever ‘fog’ was plaguing me. Above all, they have been totally supportive!

And now, here is to the forgiveness of self and others, to enable us to keep moving forward. To love self and others while allowing ourselves to be loved. To peace of mind and health of body, more resilience, dedication, determination and a more committed walk with the Lord. Here is to the permission to be me: loving, laughing, growing, worthy and magical me, with great friends!!!

Happy birthday to me; cheers to a purposeful life and living it!!!